


да-tenshi

by plumeraccoon



Series: What in Holy Hot Pockets Did I Just Write? [2]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Datenshi, Drunken Shenanigans, Gen, Humor, Screenplay/Script Format, Vodka, Weird Plot Shit, Русский | Russian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-06-21
Packaged: 2019-04-24 14:04:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14357019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plumeraccoon/pseuds/plumeraccoon
Summary: When Yoshiko mistakes tasteless vodka for water, she recovers from a hangover at school suddenly able to speak Russian. But that's only one of many shenanigans this weirdness has in store for her. And all the girls can do is to wait it out.





	1. доброе утро (Good Morning)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. The use of the Russian language and any associated culture in this story is not meant to offend anyone in any way. Said use is also not reflective of the Russian culture as a whole and is only made for humor purposes.

_Morning at Uranohoshi Girls’ High School. Other than the casual pleasantries by the entrance, ranging from subtle nods to full-blown laughter, nothing seems to be out of the ordinary. But that’s just what the day wants you to think. A closer look always reveals something that will make the day unique from the rest of the year. Far from the hustle and bustle of the big city, a town by the boonies needs a bit of excitement once in a while._

_And lo and behold, a certain fallen angel slumped over the club room table for her friends to gaze upon. Groaning as if her body’s hurting all over, she tries but fails to twist and turn to a more comfortable position. A funky stench emanates from her, too toxic for Dia to let it pass._

> **DIA:** Someone do something about that smell. It’s dizzying.
> 
> **KANAN:** It almost smells like…alcohol.
> 
> **DIA:** [even angrier] Well, I’m not about to let this pass. Alcohol inside school premises is a clear violation. She’ll be lucky if she gets off with just a warning.
> 
> **KANAN:** Calm down, Dia. We don’t even know if she _actually_ drank booze at school. We can’t even tell if it’s _actually_ booze.

_Cautious as a cat, Ruby approaches the groaning Yoshiko. None of the girls can ever be too sure about what will happen next._

> **RUBY:** [poking Yoshiko] Hey, Yoshiko-chan, are you okay?

_The girls nearly shriek at Yoshiko’s knee-jerk response of getting up. She looks at each of her friends with the same drunken look. Maybe the stench really is from alcohol, but what type? More importantly, who gets wasted first thing in the morning?_

> **RUBY:** [scared out of her wits] Y-Y-Yoshiko…chan?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** доброе утро, друзья… (Good morning, friends…)

_Everyone and their grandmas scream in disbelief._

> **RIKO:** Y-Yocchan…are you okay? And why are you speaking in Russian?
> 
> **CHIKA:** [surprised] That was Russian, Riko-chan?
> 
> **RIKO:** I didn’t even think she could speak Russian. Or could she?
> 
> **YOU:** Last time we checked, Yoshiko-chan is as Japanese as the rest of us. [looks to the reader smugly] This script’s being written in English, though.

_They sure hope that Yoshiko can still speak the native language. Nobody in the student body, much less among Aqours, can understand her right now. Riko talks to Yoshiko through words and, for good measure, body language._

> **RIKO:** [making gestures] Yocchan, do you still understand me?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [drunken] Do you take me for an idiot?

_Everyone screams in disbelief a second time. Without their grandmas this time._

> **DIA:** Then why were you speaking Russian just now?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Я не знаю (I don’t know)! Er…I mean, I don’t know! Force of habit or something.
> 
> **DIA:** You’re not making any sense right now.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [frustrated] I wish I could!

_Hanamaru, on the other hand, has a better litmus test in mind. One Yoshiko knows all too well, drunken or not._

> **HANAMARU:** Can you still do your fallen angel routine, zura?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** I…suppose.

_Clearing her throat, everybody’s beloved fallen angel begins role playing as one. The iconic cackle has everyone hoping that it’s just the grogginess talking. Then again, what level of groggy makes one speak in a foreign tongue?_

> **YOSHIKO:** I feel it. A new kind of darkness is slowly engulfing this realm. The world as we know it nears its inevitable fate. Denizens! Be saved from such fate by making a contract with me, да-tenshi Yohane, and become my little—

_Yoshiko suddenly cuts her act short. The girls, with awkward looks only lame puns can make, know why. And just like that, this once-mundane day’s about to get interesting._

_Not for the Russian fallen angel, though._

> **YOSHIKO:** неееееееееееееееет!!! (Noooooooooooo!!!)

 

           


	2. Черт побери! (Dammit!)

_The morning half of the school day went…swimmingly. Not a minute passes without Yoshiko’s random Russian spilling forth as would champagne at a Formula One awarding ceremony. If her fallen angel shtick didn’t make her weird in the eyes of her schoolmates, adding Russian to it nearly made her the outcast of the student body._

 

> **1-A STUDENT:** Yoshiko-chan, could I ask you a favor?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [cackles] What can the fallen angel Yohane do for you, little demon?
> 
> **1-A STUDENT:** The drama club needs someone to stand in for a prop during their practice. One of them couldn’t come because she’s down with the flu. Can you do it?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Sure thing, Товарищ (classmate).
> 
> **1-A STUDENT:** [looks awkwardly] Err…what?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [panics] Well, I mean…er…it’s…
> 
> **1-A STUDENT:** On second thought…maybe I should ask someone else.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** ждать (Wait)! I…It’s just…
> 
> **1-A STUDENT:** [walks away] Thanks anyway. See you around.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Aaaargh! Черт побери (Dammit)!

_At least she can still find some respite among her school idol friends. Practice, however, takes a bigger toll on her than normal because of her problem. And just like that, Aqours find their beloved fallen angel slumping again, this time over the air vent on the rooftop._

> **YOSHIKO:** Ugh. Я устала… (I’m tired…)

_All eyes turn to Riko who flips “The Fallen Angel’s Guide to Vodka-Induced Russian” on the right page. How she managed to do so at the right time is anyone’s guess._

> **RIKO:** She says she’s tired.
> 
> **KANAN:** [glances away] Seriously? there’s an actual book for Yoshiko’s situation. How convenient.
> 
> **DIA:** And she STILL reeks of alcohol. What am I gonna do with her?
> 
> **MARI:** Wait it out.
> 
> **DIA:** Huh?
> 
> **MARI:** There’s nothing we can do but wait for her to sober up. Still, it’s strange that something this strong can last this long. Most sober up with just a good night’s rest.
> 
> **DIA:** I can’t afford to have someone reeking of alcohol going around school. It’ll set a bad precedent for our school.
> 
> **RIKO:** Dia-san, I’m sure Yocchan didn’t mean to get drunk.
> 
> **KANAN:** And for that matter, why are you suddenly gung-ho about this?

_Yoshiko gets up from a hangover turning out to be episodic. Not as worse as the first one, but not any better. Dia has to set her—and everyone—straight._

> **DIA:** Listen up. An inspector from the city board will be coming to Uranohoshi in the coming days. Having a tipsy fallen angel in the school will only hasten its closure. And you bet that it’ll also make us—as well as the school—look bad at Love Live.
> 
> **CHIKA:** But what can we do? Mari-san said there’s nothing we could do but to wait.
> 
> **MARI:** Dia, you’re overreacting. It’s not like the inspector’s coming tomorrow.

_Dia grabs a bucket of water, which has been sitting at the corner for some time waiting for its time to shine. With a well-placed hurl, she sends the water Yoshiko’s way with the swiftness of a coursing river._

_It won’t make her sober as much as a man._

> **YOSHIKO:** [coughs] Како́го чёрта (What the hell)?!
> 
> **DIA:** Feeling better now?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** You THINK?!
> 
> **MARI:** See? A whole lot of _nothing_.

_Frustrated, Dia goes for the next best thing. The bucket flies off of her hand and slams straight into the fallen angel’s kisser. Insert cartoony sound effects here._

_It won’t make her sober, but it knocks her out cold. It’s a start…at least._

> **RIKO:** [rushing toward Yoshiko] Yocchan!
> 
> **KANAN:** [frantic] D-Dia, calm down. You’ll only make things worse.
> 
> **RIKO:** Yocchan, are you all right? Speak to me!
> 
> **HANAMARU:** [glances away] This is gonna be one long adventure, zura.


	3. Да, водка! (Yes, Vodka!)

_One bandage to the forehead later, cooler heads finally prevailed. The same can’t be said about Riko, however, giving her senpai Student Council President a stern telling-off._

> **RIKO:** [sternly] Dia-san, please keep your temper in check.
> 
> **DIA:** [prostrates] I have no excuse for my actions. I am terribly sorry.
> 
> **CHIKA:** The whole scene was funny, though.

_Riko glares at Chika with the eyes of a certain love arrow shooter. The mikan balks._

> **CHIKA:** [laughs nervously] I…take that back.
> 
> **RIKO:** That’s what I thought.

_The second step in solving any problem always involves knowing about the problem. The first step is admitting that there’s a problem, but they’re long past at this point. Soon, the girls are asking the right questions instead of trying out sobering myths on the Internet. Seriously, the only good thing to come out of hurling ice cold water at a tipsy 16-year-old is cleanliness._

_Yoshiko can’t put her finger on the exact date and time. If she has to guess, it may have been the day before, coming home in search of something to drink._

_\--FLASHBACK: Yesterday--_

> **YOSHIKO:** [opens door] I’m home. [drops on the couch] So tired…so thirsty…

_She’s alone in the house, alone to force her battered body to look into the fridge for something refreshing. But she only finds a glass bottle filled with what looks like water on the top shelf. She’d rather have some juice, but she can’t be picky right now._

> **YOSHIKO:** [sighs] I guess water will have to do for now.

_Pouring a glass, she helps herself to some refreshment. For some reason, this water tastes a bit warm. Ticklish to the throat, even. At one point, she thought that this might be the water from the springs near Mt. Fuji._

_She pours another one, despite growing suspicious of the beverage. And another. And another. And another. By the time her thirst has been quenched, the bottle’s down to just half-a-glass._

> **YOSHIKO:** Ahh, nothing like cold water to beat the thirst. Now, let’s get ready for the livestream. My little demons are waiting.

_She never got to know what she really drank that time. The note by the fridge went unnoticed._

> **NOTE:** “Glass bottle on top shelf is NOT water. That’s 200-proof vodka from Poland. DO NOT DRINK.” –Mom

_\--END OF FLASHBACK--_

> **MARI:** Warm? Ticklish? That’s some water. Unless…

_Of course, nobody else in the group would know if Yoshiko didn’t know. Nevertheless, how is she still alive and kicking after downing an entire bottle with enough alcohol to knock one out FOR GOOD? Compared with death by over-booze, a sudden urge to speak random Russian is a fate less grim. And Yoshiko’s getting better at it by the second._

_Literally._

> **YOSHIKO:** [bobbing her head slowly] один, два, три, четыре, пять, шесть, семь, восемь, девять, десять… (*counting 1 to 10*)
> 
> **RIKO:** [darting gaze between her book and Yoshiko] I think she’s counting…
> 
> **YOU:** [scratching her head] What for?
> 
> **RIKO:** I have no idea. At all.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** …двадцать один, двадцать два, двадцать три, двадцать четыре, двадцать пять, двадцать шесть, двадцать семь… (*counting 21 to 27*)
> 
> **RIKO:** Aaaand she’s already at the 20s.
> 
> **YOU:** Oh, Yoshiko-chan. I wish there was a quick way to turn you back to normal.

_Just make sure she doesn’t start doing the steppe dance and they’ll probably be fine._

> **YOSHIKO:** [singing] Как-то летом на рассвете, Заглянул в соседний сад. Там смуглянка-молдаванка, Собирала виноград… ( _Smuglyanka Moldovanka_ , “The Dark Moldovan Girl,” circa 1940)

_Oh for the love of pirozhki._

> **YOU:** What’s she doing now?
> 
> **RIKO:** [flipping pages frantically] Singing…but the book doesn’t say what.
> 
> **RUBY:** [shocked] For real?!
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Don’t ask me how I know all this. I just…do.
> 
> **YOU:** [shaky] Ugh…Yoshiko-chan’s getting scarier by the second.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Don’t blame me!


	4. рукопашная (Melee)

_Going home has never poised so much risk. Who knows what trouble Yoshiko might get herself into along the way? After much discussion, the girls decide that the one with the shortest straw has to accompany Yoshiko home. It was either that or pitching in double to the club treasury. Needless to say, Yoshiko isn’t all too happy about this._

> **YOSHIKO:** хреново (This sucks). Why does this have to be a thing? I’m perfectly fine going home on my own.

_So is Riko, who drew said straw._

> **RIKO:** I know it’s hard. But we’re just looking after you. [smiles] Besides, it’s been a while since we walked home together.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [sighs] I guess. I just wish that my Russian wears off quickly. I’m not in the mood to learn a foreign language.
> 
> **RIKO:** [giggles] I’m actually impressed, you know.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Well, don’t be.
> 
> **RIKO:** Who knows? You may just encounter a Russian someday.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Well…I do have little demons around the world.
> 
> **RIKO:** See? It’ll all work out.

_The bus pulls over at the stop not far from the condo—and in record time. Riko might just make it back home before dark. She spares a few minutes to walk Yoshiko as far as the lobby._

> **YOSHIKO:** I can take it from here.
> 
> **RIKO:** Nope. I gotta make sure you get home.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [pointing to the condo] But home is, like, over there. And it’ll be dark soon.
> 
> **RIKO:** Don’t worry. I already told my Mom that I’d be home late.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** You don’t have to do what they say, you know.
> 
> **RIKO:** Trust me, Yocchan.

_The two have as much trust in each other as their fans who like putting them together. Most of the time, their trust pulls through for them. Most of the time._

> **HOODLUM 1:** Well, well, well…if it isn’t a pair of cutesies on their way home. Why the rush?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Of all the times…[walks away] I’m sorry, but we _really_ need to get home.

_The scum of society won’t let the girls have their way. One of them pulls Yoshiko toward him._

> **HOODLUM 2:** I know a great bar just down the street. Let’s go out for a couple of cold ones.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** We’re minors.
> 
> **HOODLUM 2:** [tugging Yoshiko’s arm] No one’s gonna know. Come on, come on.

_Yoshiko can’t show her disinterest any clearer. When she sees poor Riko being molested, though…_

> **HOODLUM 3:** [mentally-broken laughter] You smell so good…
> 
> **RIKO:** Ah! Let me go, you animal!
> 
> **HOODLUM 3:** [sniffs] I’d smell you forever…mmm…
> 
> **RIKO:** Yocchan, HELP!
> 
> **HOODLUM 3:** I’ll be all yours. Just be forever _mine_.
> 
> **RIKO:** Aaaaaahhh!!!

_Be it the need for survival or the influence of vodka, the fallen angel’s instincts kick in. A kick in her hoodlum’s manhood gives her freedom to swing around and snap the bastard’s neck. The hoodlum falls to the ground, to the shock of his peers. Along comes a deadly glare they’ll never forget._

> **YOSHIKO:** [glares] Я тебя ещё достану, Мразь. Вы готовы (I’m gonna get you, scum. Are you ready?)?
> 
> **RIKO:** Y-Yocchan, wait. There’s no need to kill them.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [glares some more] Не стоит беспокоиться (Don’t worry). It’ll be quick.
> 
> **RIKO:** Oh no. She’s completely under a trance.

_Another hoodlum charges head on, only to be knocked off his feet. His arm crackles at the mercy of Yoshiko’s quick reflexes before getting his head slammed against the wall._

_Without stopping, she backflips and delivers her heels against the face of the hoodlum holding Riko hostage. The hoodlum falls on the ground, Yoshiko still standing on his face._

> **YOSHIKO:** С Вами все нормально (Are you okay?)?
> 
> **RIKO:** I…guess you’re asking me if I’m okay. Yeah, just fine.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** They’re not _really_ dead. You have to be Superman to kill them by snapping their necks. That’s just pure Hollywood.
> 
> **RIKO:** Um…that’s great…I think.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** First things first. We should call the police.
> 
> **RIKO:** Oh! Um…right. I’m on it.

_She’s right, you know. It takes God’s-G to actually pull off such a deadly feat._


	5. медвежья конница (Bear Cavalry)

_The usual greeting of students in the morning falls silent the next day. They were stunned by the sight of a slab of brownness walking uphill on all fours, determined to get that salmon dangling off its nose out of reach. Terrified, the students make way for the creature marching toward the school with Yoshiko as its rider. Her hand on the rod hanging the salmon makes sure that the creature doesn’t reach it._

_By the school gates, Yoshiko dismounts and surrenders the salmon to her ride. As the creature feasts on its simple reward, Chika and company race to welcome her…with awkward gazes._

> **YOU:** [points at the creature] Yoshiko-chan…what is _that_?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [chuckles haughtily] Она красивая (She is pretty). Honed by the harsh Siberian wilderness is this majesty from Камча́тский край (Kamchatka Krai): the brown bear.
> 
> **YOU:** …what?
> 
> **DIA:** [building up anger] I can see that it’s a bear, Yoshiko-san. What I want to know is WHY YOU BROUGHT THAT THING TO SCHOOL?!?!
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [gasps] грубо (Rude)! Purson isn’t a _thing_. She’s one of my little demons. [turns to her bear] Don’t listen to the old hag. She’s just jealous that she wasn’t born a bear.

_The bear groans in response to Yoshiko’s affection, as would Chewbacca to inspire his fans._

> **DIA:** O-Old?!
> 
> **MARI:** Ooh! He looks just like the bears I saw back in Alaska.
> 
> **RIKO:** More importantly, where and _when_ did you get a bear?

_The scene suddenly starts turning white in anticipation of a flashback._

> **RIKO:** Whoa! Why is everything turning white?!
> 
> **MARI:** You asked for a flashback, didn’t you?
> 
> **RIKO:** Does it have to involve everything fading?

_\--FLASHBACK--_

_The blizzard blows without relent, enveloping the horizon in blinding whiteness. Knee-deep into the blanket of snow, Yoshiko pushes on in the midst of the storm. Her knees threaten to buckle under the relentless chill, her motivation waning with every step. The shortness of breath pushes her closer to the cold touch of death._

_Soon, a dark figure stands out in the swirling dance of snowflakes. Is it human? She moves in for a closer look, only for the figure to tower over her. Even the Monster of Magadan pales in comparison to the broad physique of the shadow, almost like…_

> **YOSHIKO:** [whispers] …a bear.

_A deafening roar follows a stark realization. Yoshiko’s near her journey’s end—the search for the largest brown bear in the world. Honed by the Siberian wilderness, the creature is said to be impervious to all kinds of danger. Guns and knives barely cut through its thick fur, and it’s known to have survived a rain of artillery from an entire brigade._

_But Yoshiko is unfazed by the rumors. She takes off her robes until only her sports underwear remains. As the blizzard sends her clothes flying into the unknown, she assumes a stance. The Russian winter barely bothers her._

_There’s only one way to tame this legendary beast. And that’s to earn its respect in the glory of bear wrestling._

> **YOSHIKO:** Prepare yourself, Миша (Misha)!

_The skirmish in the snow is fierce and brutal. Only brute strength will win this battle, in which the bear has abundance. But it underestimates the power of 200-proof vodka in the human bloodstream. What Yoshiko lacks in strength, she makes up for it in agility. Hit-and-run tactics wear the creature down in a matter of minutes without as much as a scratch on herself._

_The bear grows weak, a chance for its opponent to land the decisive blow. With remarkable strength only vodka can provide, Yoshiko grabs the bear by the arm and throws it down in snowy defeat._

_Misha_ _has been subdued…and gives the victor its undying loyalty as it bows its head. Yoshiko mounts up and points to home._

> **YOSHIKO:** вперед! к Нумадзу (Onward! To Numazu!)!

_\--END OF FLASHBACK--_

> **CHIKA:** [awestruck] Amazing! You could be a professional wrestler!
> 
> **RIKO:** [shocked] You believe all that?
> 
> **KANAN:** So where in Uranohoshi are you gonna put him? We don’t exactly have a bear pen, you know.
> 
> **MARI:** You’re right. [giggles] Why didn’t we build one?
> 
> **DIA:** Because we don’t NEED one! Anyway, put that bear back from whatever oblast you got it.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Ehh?! Do you have any idea how hard it is crossing the Кури́льские (Kuril Islands)?
> 
> **DIA:** I don’t care. If that monster mauls someone to death, it’s gonna be on _you!_

_Fortunately, Madam President won’t have to. A handful of animal control personnel, escorted by police, are running toward a freaked-out Yoshiko._

> **OFFICER:** You there! Get away from that bear!
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [to the bear] Move it, little demon!

_The bear isn’t going anywhere. It already ate the fishy bait._

> **OFFICER:** Ms. Yoshiko Tsushima, I’m placing you under arrest for stealing that bear from Hamamatsu Zoo. And multiple counts of damage to private property, as well as public indecency.
> 
> **REST OF AQOURS:** EHHHHH?!?!


	6. экзамен (Exam)

_Except Chika, the anime never explicitly mentioned the “academically-challenged” among the group. Then again, whose got time to pick out those kinds of people when the school’s about to go the way of the dodo? So, all the fans have as a reference is probably the looks on their faces. Riko and Dia seem to be greatly aware of their need to excel in academics, Hanamaru reads a lot, and the rest can hold their own just fine._

_Not Yoshiko. And the vodka trance isn’t making things easier._

> **TEACHER:** Tsushima-san, you’re the only one in your class to take a make-up exam.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [shocked] Что?! Почему?! (What?! Why?!)

_The teacher flashes Yoshiko’s failure in her face. The paper is riddled with more check marks than there are landmines in Chechnya. The final score of 13, fitting for a servant of darkness, adds insult to injury. But all of this isn’t relevant to the real reason: her written name._

Цусима Йошико.

_Huh. She’s learned how to write in Cyrillic. Nice._

> **TEACHER:** I know this is you, but I can’t accept this. That’s why your official score in this quiz is a zero. Let that sink in for a while.

_Not that writing her name in kanji would’ve helped anyway. Dejected, she rejoins her fellow school idols in the club room where she breaks the bad news._

> **DIA:** That is a problem. Those who fail their exams are forbidden from participating in club activities until they pass their make-up.
> 
> **MARI:** [in Engrish] Really?
> 
> **DIA:** _Really_ , Mari-san. It’s in the student handbook. Try giving it a read sometime.
> 
> **RIKO:** Well, it’s not like we have an upcoming show or something. But this is indeed a problem. Yocchan needs our help.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Это глупо (This is stupid). If I hadn’t drank that stupid vodka…
> 
> **KANAN:** No, you still have to take that make-up either way.
> 
> **HANAMARU:** When’s the make-up test, zura?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** Two days from now.
> 
> **YOU:** That isn’t so bad. Yoshiko-chan has a lot of time to prepare.
> 
> **HANAMARU:** [deadpan] You’re forgetting the fact that she has the attention span of a goldfish unless it’s fallen angel-related, zura.
> 
> **YOU:** [chuckles anxiously] Oh, well…that’s interesting.

_Helping Yoshiko study for the make-up is the easy part. But it’ll all be for nothing if she writes_ Цусима Йошико _in her name again. For this, drastic measures have to be taken._

> **DIA:** There’s one way we can help her. But it’s not going to be pretty.

**~O~**

> **YOSHIKO:** Неееееееееет! Руки прочь! (Nooooooooo! Hands off!)

_The fallen angel wails, restrained by Hanamaru and Ruby. Before her, the most horrifying form of torture unfolds: Chika and Riko plucking the feathers off of her pair of prop wings. And since nothing is said about prohibited forms of torture for fallen angels, the Geneva Convention can’t help._

> **CHIKA:** [sternly] Yoshiko-chan, if you keep writing in Russian, we’ll pluck one feather off of your wings.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [struggling to break free] You monsters! I thought we were friends.
> 
> **CHIKA:** This is for your own good, Yoshiko-chan. You left us with no choice.
> 
> **RIKO:** [looks away] I don’t think we’ve even explored the other choices.
> 
> **DIA:** Okay then. Shall we move on to the next problem?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [sobbing] How do you expect me to concentrate like this?
> 
> **DIA:** If you want to keep singing and dancing with us, then this is the only way. Now, focus on the next problem here.
> 
> **RIKO:** [looks away] Like I said, we didn’t even try considering other options.
> 
> **CHIKA:** [to Riko] Less talking more plucking, Riko-chan!
> 
> **RIKO:** I didn’t even agree to this!

_At the mercy of her tormentors, Yoshiko struggles through the endless math problems. Her gaze darts between her notebook and her pair of wings held for ransom. But in all seriousness, this should be banned by whatever’s the fallen angel equivalent of the Geneva Convention. If the world even has one, let alone a need for one._

> **MARI:** [picks up a vial] Ooh, shiny! [drops vial and breaks] Oops. Sorry.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

_But all’s well that ends well. Yoshiko passes her make-up by the skin of her teeth and she gets most of her stuff back._

> **YOSHIKO:** [apathetic laughter] Ha, ha…it’s finally over. I can rest in peace now.
> 
> **CHIKA:** Hmm…maybe that was a bit too much.
> 
> **RIKO:** You think?!


	7. славный лидер (Glorious Leader)

_A stunned Dia falls to her knees as a horrendous sight unfolds before her eyes. Her cherished school is a far cry from its humble image, as evidenced by the countless banners sporting the famed fallen angel’s likeness. A unique design awaits curious eyes at each banner, but they speak of a shared idea: “Become my little demon. Join the revolution.” Fellow students tread the grounds wearing a pair of impish horns, smiling and laughing amidst the dystopia. The typical greeting elicits gestures for communicating with little demons._

_What happened here? How did everything change in a span of 24 hours? The questions of the time urge Dia to seek answers, but she’s too stunned to do anything. A fellow third-year, indoctrinated by the dystopia, approaches her and extends an invitation into the horde._

> **STUDENT:** Welcome back, Kurosawa-san. Do you have a moment to talk about our glorious leader Yohane-sama?

_Dia turns her wrath to the heavens, to the mischievous gods for subjecting her to such torture._

> **DIA:** YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

_What treachery could be responsible for the drastic change in simple lives in a short time? What series of unfortunate events could have transpired for the pieces of this gritty fate to fall in place? What callousness made the act of referring to Yohane as “Yoshiko” punishable by an eternity in the catacombs? Assuming Uranohoshi HAS catacombs._

_Dia is to blame. At least, her idea is._

<<FLASHBACK >>

> **CHIKA:** President…for a day?
> 
> **DIA:** That’s right. I thought about giving a student a chance to experience what it’s like to be Student Council President. And since I’ll be departing for the leadership seminar in Kyoto soon, it’s the perfect time.
> 
> **CHIKA:** But is the Student Council gonna be okay? I mean, not all of us are exactly Student Council material.
> 
> **DIA:** That’s why it’s called the _Student Council_ , Chika-san. The president doesn’t always get to make _all_ the decisions.
> 
> **CHIKA:** [inspired] Oh, I see! Maybe I should give it a—
> 
> **DIA:** [in Chika’s face] _Buu buu desu wa!_ You already have your hands full with the School Idol Club. Don’t even think about trying.
> 
> **CHIKA:** Eh? No fair. I want to be a leader like you, Dia-san.
> 
> **DIA:** You already _are_ a leader, Chika-san. Just…not one the Student Council needs.
> 
> **CHIKA:** [dejected] Boo.

_A council member enters as she brings a sealed envelope of great importance. Because sealed envelopes ARE of great importance._

> **DIA:** Ah, here it is. The results of the President for a Day poll.
> 
> **CHIKA:** That was fast.
> 
> **DIA:** We don’t have enough time for this skit. So we’ll just fast-track everything.

_The contents of the envelope reveal who gets to succeed Dia’s job for the meantime. The fight among several candidates, surprisingly including Mari who shouldn’t be there at all (because Director reasons), was neck-to-neck._

_That is…until she sees Yoshiko win the whole thing by a landslide._

> **DIA:** …rats.

_One formal inauguration later, Yoshiko dons the armband of authority as Dia departs for Kyoto. A strange resolve fills the substitute president, as the members of the council look to her for the first order of business._

> **YOSHIKO:** As my first decree as Student Council President, I hereby require _all_ students of Uranohoshi Girls High School to become my little demons.

_Of course. Self-interest always comes first with the endowment of power. Yoshiko has taken the path less traveled to become a dictator of sorts. Those who accept her rule receive her dark blessing; those who don’t get an iron fist to the face._

> **KANAN** : Yoshiko, this has to stop. This isn’t what Dia put you in her seat for.
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** ерунда! (Nonsense!) I won’t stop until every student has embraced the darkness that is Джон (literally “John”).
> 
> **KANAN:** Who?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [winces] Yohane! YO-HA-NE!
> 
> **KANAN:** If you won’t stop, then I’ll stop you.
> 
> **YOU:** [to the audience] Just another day at Uranohoshi…I guess.

_A bloody civil war followed (not literally bloody since this is still a family-friendly fic), but the power of the vodka could not be undone. Soon, the band of dissidents is sentenced to a fate not as worse as death. Kanan, on the other hand…_

> **YOSHIKO:** For incitement of rebellion and illegal distribution of hugs, I hereby sentence you, Kanan Matsuura… _to less airtime in Love Live! Sunshine!!_
> 
> **KANAN:** [terrified] No…no, anything but that! Please!
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** To the Gulag with you!
> 
> **KANAN:** [gets dragged away] No! You can’t do this, Yoshiko! Think of my FANS!
> 
> **YOU and RIKO:** [to the audience, in unison] Just another day at Uranohoshi…


	8. живой поток (Livestream)

> **YOSHIKO:** [deep breaths] Stay calm, Yoshiko. You can do this. It’s just another livestream. Just do what you always do and you’ll be fine.

_Ever since mistaking vodka for water, Yoshiko has been unable to commit to her regular livestream schedule. There’s no telling when she’ll start spurting nonsense in Russian while performing her dark rituals online. If the awkward reactions from her schoolmates are any indication, she risks losing her army of little demons._

_Tonight, however, she feels confident. She has spoken Russian less and less over the past several days, a telltale sign of the vodka’s effects wearing off. Even Dia is quick to point out that her eau de vodka has all but waned. Sporadic Russian remains, but her alcohol-induced plight will soon be over._

_Wearing her best fallen angel garb, she sets up the atmosphere, from lighting candles to channeling her chuunibyou. A press of the Record button and her livestream begins._

> **YOHANE:** Have you been waiting for me, little demons? I apologize for making you do so. It has been far too long but for good reason. Our demonic legion grows as more little demons join our cause. From within and beyond this land I’ve descended upon, together we shall rule this world…

_So far, so good. The vodka has been quiet throughout half of the livestream. Too quiet._

> **YOHANE:** Now speak, little demons. Speak of your heart’s desire and I shall use my power to fulfill them.

_This is the part where she takes a quick look at the incoming stream of comments. Normally, they’re just requests to read fortunes or brief lectures about the Underworld. But tonight is different._

> ( **YOSHIKO:** [visibly shocked] What?! Of all the times…!)
> 
> **COMMENTS:** *somewhere along the lines of “Please speak Russian, Yohane-sama!”*

_Of all the times indeed. It’s not like she has control over her uncanny ability to speak Russian whenever wherever. Right now, she’s not feeling it. And her little demons are growing impatient._

> ( **YOSHIKO:** Noooo! I’ve been trying to avoid that all this time!)

_But the comments keep pouring in. Suddenly, the tables have turned. Now she HAS to speak Russian to maintain her demonic legion. The unlucky Yoshiko Tsushima just can’t catch a break._

> **YOHANE:** [cackles] You ask and I shall deliver. But I must be gone for a while to prepare. Do not despair, little demons, for I shall return.

_Says the calm fallen angel who immediately makes a mad dash for the kitchen and nearly knocks down the camera still recording. In a stroke of luck (and probably the only one she’ll get in this scene), a new bottle of the Russianizing vodka is in stock. Ditching the glass, she prepares to chug the entire thing, just like before. She realizes that this will UNDO everything she has endured just to return to normal._

_But in the immortal words of Spock: “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”_

> **YOSHIKO:** [sobbing] I’m sorry, everyone…

_Down the hatch the vodka goes without stopping. Each chug reinvigorates her with the power of Mother Russia. Slow and steady, the sensation fills her until the last drop._

_Yohane returns to the livestream, somewhat of a mess but still holding her liquor._

> **YOHANE:** [cackles] I have returned, little demons. Вот! падший ангел Джон нисходит (Behold! The fallen angel Yohane descends!)!

**~O~**

_And for reasons totally not related to the vodka, Yoshiko’s in front of an irritated Dia…in the Student Council Room._

> **DIA:** [facepalms] Mind telling me why you reek like alcohol _again_?
> 
> **YOSHIKO:** [glances away] популярный спрос… (Popular demand…)

_Wait until she gets home. She’ll get an earful from her mother._

> **YOSHIKO’S MOTHER:** [holding the empty bottle] YOSHIKO TSUSHIMA!!!

**THE END**

**Вероятно (Probably)**


End file.
